The next morning, I called Trudy.
“There are things you didn’t tell me.”
“I know.”
“Did Nathan ever come back?”
Silence.
“Trudy?”
“Yes.”
My heart jumped.
“When?”
“The day Lucas was born.”
I stood up so quickly my chair scraped across the floor.
“He was at the hospital?”
“Yes.”
“I never saw him.”
“He saw you.”
I stopped.
“What?”
Trudy took a breath.
“He came late that afternoon.”
Suddenly, I was back there.
Ten years earlier.
Teagan exhausted but smiling.
Lucas wrapped in a blue blanket.
Me walking through the hospital corridor carrying flowers, crying because I had just become a grandmother.
“He saw you leaving the maternity floor with Lucas.”
“What happened?”
“He froze.”
“That’s it?”
“He stood there watching you.”
“And?”
“Then he left.”
Anger rushed through me.
“He walked away?”
“He was eighteen.”
“So was Teagan.”
“I know.”
“She didn’t get to walk away.”
“I know.”
My voice broke.
“She had to become a mother whether she was frightened or not.”
Trudy didn’t argue.
After a moment, she said:
“That’s why Teagan never made excuses for him.”
That stopped me.
“She understood that he was scared. But understanding wasn’t the same as excusing it.”
I looked down at the photograph.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because Teagan asked me not to.”
“For ten years?”
“She wanted Nathan to make the first move.”
“He didn’t.”
“No.”
“And then she died.”
Trudy became quiet.
“She thought there would be more time.”
That sentence stayed with me.
There is almost always something grief leaves unfinished because everyone assumes there will be more time.
I spent the next week deciding whether I should look for Nathan.
Part of me thought I shouldn’t.
He’d had ten years.
Ten birthdays.
Ten Christmases.
Ten first days of school.
He’d missed Lucas losing his first tooth.
Learning to ride a bicycle.
Breaking his wrist jumping from the backyard fence after I’d specifically told him not to.
Nathan hadn’t been there for any of it.
Why should I go searching for him now?
Then I kept returning to Teagan’s letter.
Lucas shouldn’t inherit my anger.
So I searched.
It took less time than I expected.
Nathan lived less than three hours away.
He was thirty.
Worked for an engineering company.
No wife.
No children.
I stared at his photograph online for a long time.
Then I sent one message.
My name is Margaret. I’m Teagan’s mother. I think we need to talk about Lucas.
